• mbkastleman

If Porn Addiction and Betrayal Trauma have put your Marriage in Crisis—Can it be Saved?



Porn addiction and Betrayal Trauma plunge a marriage into pain and chaos! After years of "negative relationship patterns," we get to a hopeless place! Our trauma, shame and exhaustion have us deeply rutted and stuck. We just perpetually move in an up and down cycle of yelling, screaming, stonewalling, name-calling, going silent, breaking boundaries and falling into "drama triangle roles."


Is there any way out of this marriage roller coaster nightmare?



Normalize the Dominant Emotions of FEAR and SHAME


First, we must be willing to begin to "normalize" the dominant, in-your-face emotions that are driving the process--namely FEAR and SHAME. Can we sit down together and at least start to admit and discuss what we're scared of individually? What are we afraid to admit to each other as a couple? Do we want to try and work on the relationship or not? Is one of us just waiting for the other to call it quits so we can be done?


If I'm the addict, is my SHAME driving my interactions or lack thereof with my spouse? If I'm suffering with Betrayal Trauma, is my anger, resentment and pain too deep to ever be healed or reconciled? These and many other "elephants in the room" need to be addressed before any progress can be made.



Learn HOW to Live in the Present Moment


As couples and human beings, we tend to live in the past and in the future. This is especially true when things fall apart in marriage--revisiting the pain of the past (very legitimately) and fearing for the future. A big part of having any hope for healing is daring to experiment and learn HOW to "be in the present moment with each other."


Boundaries and Victories


It's critical that we learn how to establish and KEEP healthy boundaries for SAFETY as we seek to begin the process of coming back together. These boundaries are CRITICAL to things changing as opposed to continually falling back into the "same ol' same ol'.


In addition, we often believe that only BIG changes in the relationship can save us. In reality it's the seemingly "little daily deposits" we make to the "Relationship Account" that add up over time and make ALL the difference! After years of drifting apart, our relationship account is heavily overdrawn--at a severe deficit. It takes time and consistent effort to make small daily deposits to build up our "relationship reserves" and bring ourselves to a place where we have a "positive account balance.


And SUPER important is that we CELEBRATE THE SMALL VICTORIES along the way! Each time we manage to make ANY positive changes, we give each other a high five and rejoice in the fact that we did SOMETHING good!!!


Remember that you very like CANNOT do this alone! There may simply be too much past baggage and too many deeply rutted relationship habits. Seek outside help--a qualified professional who can help you see and do what you cannot see and do on your own!


Here's a recent PBSE podcast from Mark and Steve talking in detail about rescuing your marriage from a crisis—

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