When you discovery your spouse has a porn addiction, it triggers Betrayal Trauma and can SHATTER your whole world! And one of THE biggest issues is TRUST—how can you EVER trust him again?!
Having watched my wife go through this with my own addiction, and after working with couples all over the world for more than 20 years, here are some insights that might be helpful—
- Perhaps the most crucial first step is VALIDATION for the totally legitimate pain you feel in all of this. Your husband must be willing to recognize this pain and seek to understand and validate it. Without this, a restoration of trust is impossible.
- Your mind will naturally be filled with "shoulds" regarding when you can trust again and how that should look and come about. Letting go of these shoulds is essential to regaining trust.
- You are NOT responsible for HIS addiction, deception or future choices! HE is in charge of his own recovery. His acceptance of and ACTING on this responsibility is a BIG step in rebuilding trust.
- The foundation for "trusting again" is built upon the addict developing CONSISTENCY in the changing of his attitudes and behaviors in ALL areas of his recovery—NOT just sobriety.
- You working on your own HEALING and trusting that YOU will be OK no matter what he decides to do allow you so "show up" in the relationship again.
- At the end of the day, you trusting again is a CHOICE—only you can make that decision.
Here are some deep insights on this issue of "trusting again" in a recent PBSE podcast from Mark and Steve—