Recently one of the subscribers to my blog asked if most porn/sex addicts have as their primary love language, "physical touch." The woman asking the question is married to a porn/sex addiction and is suffering from severe betrayal trauma. Her husband, in his "physical need," approaches her for affection and sex, but very legitimately, from her place of trauma there are days where she doesn't even want to make eye contact with him, let alone have sex. She was confused about how to understand healthy boundaries in all of this; how to honor her needs and authentically respect herself in the midst of his needs and demands.
Here are some important elements and insights to consider—
- When a porn-addicted spouse is in a codependent, unhealthy and unbalanced state, then physical touch/sex becomes an obsessive need and demand as opposed to a healthy love language.
- It's critical that the addict and spouse begin honestly and openly exploring love vs. need and choosing vs. requiring with regard to physical touch and sexual intimacy in their marriage relationship.
- An addict and spouse should understand that obsessive–compulsive behaviors, including pornography addiction, rewire the addict brain, pushing physical touch/sex onto a PEDESTAL—not as an optional element of giving and receiving love but as THE EXCLUSIVE way to connect.
- Truly healthy, connected sexual intimacy is NOT manufactured or created in a moment. It is the culmination and celebration of consistently sacrificing to build ALL of the areas of holistic intimacy in the marriage relationship.
- How does a porn/sex addict know that he is in recovery and on a healthy path? He recognizes and acknowledges that he does have an affinity for physical touch, BUT this is among many other forms of connection that he is genuinely pursuing and engaging in with with his spouse. Over time, his physical desires move from being his focus and "sole need" to an "optional desire."
- It's crucial that a couple be willing to openly explore ways in which physical touch and sex may have become an unhealthy need and/or demand. Once this "elephant in the room" is addressed, a couple can work on moving in the direction of sex becoming a "healthy desire" and only one part of the overall intimacy puzzle.
Here's a recent PBSE podcast where Mark and Steve talk in depth about this topic—
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com