LYING was a HUGE part of my addiction years and early recovery. There were many "layers" to my lies. Some were obvious, but many were at various levels of "subtlety." You could say I engaged in "active lies" and "passive lies."
Why do Porn Addicts LIE?
But WHY do addicts tell lies? This may seem like a simplistic question and answer, but it can be extremely multi-faceted and complex. Many addicts learned to use lying as a strategy to be "safe" in the face of abuse, trauma and shame as kids. Many had lying "modeled" to them by other adults and peers, thus picking up the habit by example.
FEAR is a HUGE Driver of Lying!
Addicts have immense FEAR about their behaviors being discovered and their reputations being ruined; relationships shattered; never being loved or accepted again. In addiction, we come to DEPEND so heavily on our favorite "drug-of-choice" and outlet for escape and self-soothing, we can't imagine not being able to run to it in times of great stress. So, we LIE to keep it hidden so we can continue "using" in secret.
Why do Spouses Battered by Betrayal Trauma Have Struggles with Being Open?
Addicts are not the only ones that can struggle with being open and forthright. Often spouses of a porn addict struggle with being totally open and blunt about what they're feeling and thinking. This is most often a "protection strategy." Spouses often have very legitimate fears about confronting their addict husband because of his reaction---a spouse doesn't feel "safe." Women may doubt their own suspicions and fear confronting something that may not be true or at the level they suspect. There are legitimate fears about the marriage, financial wellbeing, the safety and wellbeing of children, etc.
Why is Lying SO Devastating to a Marriage Relationship?
The overriding foundation for any healthy marriage relationship is TRUST! Remove or call into question that bedrock and the whole relationship begins to crumble. Yes, spouses are crushed by infidelity and addiction behaviors, but even worse is the devastation of learning that a previously trusted husband has been lying for years or the entire marriage. This revelation undermines everything!
Honesty, Transparency and Authenticity
The ONLY way one can move into TRUE addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing is by DARING to open up and start telling the WHOLE TRUTH! At first, and usually for a long time, this is VERY SCARY! We typically don't grow up in families where TOTAL, RAW TRANSPARENCY was modeled by the adults around us! It's something we need to begin to practice and over time make a normal, natural part of our lives and personalities.
Check out this recent PBSE podcast where Mark and Steve talk about how lying was a big part of their addiction lives and HOW they changed that—
Learn why his porn addiction and the Betrayal Trauma it brings is NOT YOUR FAULT—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/his-porn-addiction-not-your-fault
How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage